Kelly’s blog

So things are okay with me. At the beginning of the month Becky's little brother Zach moved home with his lovely girlfriend Jess. Zach just graduated from Florida State, they've been living in Tallahassee for the last four years. They're spending a month here before they move to Buffalo. Jess will be finishing her degree in Art History at Buff State. They are the sweetest kids you'll ever meet and I've really been enjoying the time we've been spending with them.

Summer is always so chock full of social obligation. I feel like I haven't had a day completely to myself in months.

Things with Jason and I are good for now. The other day he decided on a whim that the answer to our problems was obviously to get married. I get bonus points for not actually punching him in the face when he suggested that. But it did lead to a very good conversation in which I got to say many of the things that needed to be said. Now we'll just see if it sticks.

His brother bought him a Nintendo Wii for his birthday. I love it even more than I thought I would! I just hate how most video games are designed to be played by boys. It's incredibly unfair. I've been playing video games my entire life. I like them just as much as any guy I know does, more than most. So why is the new Zelda so hard? I understand that they don't want to make it too easy but too easy is better than completely frustrating! There are parts in this game, as there have been in every Zelda game since the N64, that I just can NOT do. I can not physically do them. I'll try and try until my wrist is throbbing and get nowhere. Then I'll ask Zach or Jason to do it for me and it only takes them one time when they haven't been the ones playing the game in the first place. It's sexist and wrong. Wii Sports on the other hand is the most fun ever. I rule at both golf and bowling. And what a great group game it is. With all the socializing we've had to do recently I've been really grateful for the Wii.

I can't think of anything else right now. I need to get some of my chores done before there is yet more socializing to do.

Maybe it's because my birthday is almost always over Memorial Day weekend or maybe it's just because I'm special but, we always celebrate my birthday for like, a week. And, good things happen on my birthday to the people who love me. I like to think of it as a reward for them from the Universe for how well they love me and how wonderful all these people in my life are. I almost feel as though I don't deserve it.

Plans for Birthday Weekend:

Thursday night (Birthday Eve): Tonight Jason, Becky and I (along with several other friends I'm sure) are going to the Drive In to see a special screening of the new Pirates movie. I call it my birthday present from Johnny Depp.  The only thing that could make seeing this movie for my birthday even better is seeing it at the drive in and I can't believe they're actually showing a special preview of it tonight so I don't even have to try to work it into the rest of the birthday schedule.

Friday (Birthday): Tomorrow I will spend the day with Jason doing I don't really know what yet. We'll probably just go out for lunch and spend the day together. Later that night my brother in law's band Headcase is playing out so, we'll be attending that show. I'm pretty excited.

Saturday (Birthday with friends): I'll probably spend Saturday morning with Becky picking up last minute things and doing some straightening around her house for my birthday party Saturday night. With any luck my sister will come, and that will mark the first birthday party of mine she's attended since I was like, five. Scott's coming into town Saturday night for the party.

Sunday (Birthday with family): Sunday morning my friends and I will probably go to Mimi's (my favorite greasy spoon) for breakfast and nurse our hangovers. Then around two all of my family and friends will regather at my parents house for an afternoon barbecue. I love this because my friends and family have known each other for so long that it's always like a big family reunion whenever we go over there. Mom is making everything I love and she's making me a Hot Fudge Cake which is something I fantasize about all year long but only get to have on my birthday.

After all of this celebration Becky still has three days off so, I don't JUST get days of partying with people who love me, I get three days of complete quiet recovery time with my best friend.

On my birthday I don't like to consider how old I am or what I have and haven't accomplished (although I can't prevent these thoughts entirely, they are not the most prominent) but, how lucky I am to have such a large, close knit community of people who offer to share their lives with me. I'm so thankful and blessed.

Since we missed mothers day due to our road trip to Pennsylvania last weekend, yesterday Becky and I had lunch with my mom and then we took her shopping for plants. That's our mother's day tradition. It was really cold and damp yesterday though, so we weren't really into looking at flowers. All we ended up getting were some really cool candles at the dollar store but, it was nice to spend a full day with mom. She doesn't get a lot of time for herself since Dad got sick and she really enjoys an occasional outing where she has no one to take care of.

When we got home Becky had a voicemail from the real estate agent saying that Pat and Bill had rejected her offer and were firm on netting forty grand for the house. Please. So, I don't know if she's going to counter offer or if we're going to go look for a new place.

It's been almost a year that my life has been completely mixed up. I'm so tired of waking up every day nauseous with the nerves of not knowing how the day will end and a stress pain in my neck that hasn't gone away in eleven months. I HATE not knowing what's going to happen. I am a spontaneous person but I like to have a plan, even if the plan is flexible, I like to know what to expect. Ah, the duality of the Gemini.  I haven't known what to expect since June first last year. And, it's taking a physical toll on me.

Although things with Jason and I have been relatively fine in the last couple of weeks last night he was distant and this morning he was outright angry. I don't think he was necessarily angry with me but he does take it out on me. I'm at the point that every time he says he thinks we shouldn't be together or that he's going to leave I don't cry. I just say "that's fine, go". I do not care. I almost wish he would just so I could get on with the business of life, knowing what to expect. But, I love him. So much. And things are so good when they're good. And, part of me likes that he isn't always cuddly, part of me likes this roller coaster because it's not boring. It's not boring but it's beginning to be really tedious. I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm sick of being scared all the time.

So yeah, that's me.

But, other than that the compose format here is just so much friendlier feeling than anywhere else. I don't care if that makes me sound crazy.

Also are cuts necessary? How do you do a cut here? So much technical crap to figure out. Maybe that's why I stayed with LJ so long, because I already knew how to do everything.

So, it's Saturday. Jason doesn't have to go to work today (he quit his job at Rent A Center last month, suddenly, without discussing it with me first. Since then he's been working with a company that sets up shows at large venues like food shows, corporate shows, that kind of thing and he works like fifteen hours a day and almost never takes a day off). Becky doesn't have to go to work today either. Right now she's at an appointment with the realtor. See, if everything goes according to plan what's going on with me is this: Becky's parents kicked her out of the house in April. They told her she had till June to move out. My sister's husband's parents have a great house they've been trying to sell forever. So, Becky's buying it. When she buys it I'm going to move in with her. Jason is too, if we're still together. I don't know, we're going to have to have a serious talk before we make our final decisions. I am so tired of serious talks. June first it will be one year since he called off the wedding.

It's only a week till my birthday. Less than a week now actually. My twenty eighth birthday. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm really excited because I'm always really excited. I love my birthday. But, I'm also tense and stressed and thinking about how when I was in high school I thought twenty three sounded like a good age to plan on being married and having babies. And now here I am on my twenty eighth birthday, no closer to my goals than I was in high school. It's depressing. I wish I were more self motivated. But, I'm not. It's just not me. Bleh. I don't know.

I think that moving into a house with Becky will be good for me. I have a million projects and ideas and party plans I want to try out. We'll get to paint and redo the floors and I'll have a house full of people to cook for all the time. The kitchen is really big so I'll finally have a place to experiment with candle making and homemade bath products. I like to think about that. I like to think about pretty much anything that isn't my relationship.

I've been looking for a new blog home for awhile. I don't know what it is about LJ that just doesn't do it for me anymore. I read my friends page as much as I ever did (so like, five times a day) but I haven't felt moved to post anything since January. I comment from time to time and I really care about all of my LJ friends so much (at this point my flist is narrowed down to people I've known through LJ for years. Literally years. It's like, four people.) that I can't just stop cold turkey. But, it isn't the outlet for me that it used to be. I know when I stopped journaling. It tapered off soon after Jason and I started dating. I didn't need it the way I used to. Or maybe I just wasn't as bored. There are times when I DO need it. Seriously, need it and now I just can't bring myself to write. Part of it is that when I started journaling Becky lived in Texas and now I see her everyday so, I don't have the need to get things off my chest the way I used to. But, I miss it. I miss it and I've tried to force it and that's just worse. But, in the back of my head I always thought that it wasn't the act of journaling I disliked but, LJ.  Something about the new format or something. It's just not comforting the way it used to be. Also, I have people there that being the sensitive person that I am I can't bring myself to get rid of but who I simply do not care about, I skip over their entries, I know nothing about them. But I know enough to know that it would hurt their feelings were I to unfriend them at this point. And that kind of gave me a distaste for posting too. Like, I don't give a crap about their lives do I really want them to know the details of mine? No. For awhile I had this guy who barely knew me at all spouting all kinds of advice in comments to every post I made. You know what jackass? Those posts about Jason and I weren't for you. They were for me and the benefit of the three girls who have been sharing my life, understand the details without having to be told, and are honestly concerned about me if I don't explain what's going on with me every so often. And, I know there's a filter feature but you know what? That makes journaling too much work. My very first online journal ever was public. It was a deadjournal and it was completely public and open and for the first six months or so I didn't have a single "friend". I didn't even know what the friend feature was about. I wrote every day purely for the sake of writing. Then I got a few friends and not very long after that I moved to UJ where I made even more friends. At that point some of my entries started becoming friends only.  Then I moved from UJ to LJ and got even MORE friends. At one point on my original LJ I had something like ninety friends. That's just retarded. And that's where the entire thing became friends only and some started to be filtered. It ceased to be a personal experience almost completely. And while I enjoyed the intimacy and true friendship it is possible to achieve in this medium, for the most part it just completely missed the point of keeping a damn diary.

I haven't written a ramble like that in a long time. So, that's a good sign.

I really think it would do me some good to post somewhere regularly again. Really.

My first post! How exciting! Yippee!

This is pretty cool.